My Hope Deferred

When you wait as long as I have for a husband…trust me…you have gone through and experienced more emotions than most…
It can be quite the emotional roller coaster…
Up and down, in and out…yes or no…?

I get so many words about my husband and more advice than you can even imagine.  Let go and he’ll come, fall more in
love with Jesus, God won’t bring him until you are satisfied with Jesus…join dating sites, stop looking and he will find you, go out there and find him…date, don’t date…I could go on and on.    One person even told me his name and the exact day he would come.  Well, guess what?  He never did.  What was that person thinking?  They surely did not hear from God on that one.   I tell people, it is like you are always hoping for a real Christmas, but every morning you wake up and Christmas never comes.  You start being unable to hope anymore.  You think, maybe Christmas is for everyone else but me.

Some days I think…and people have actually told me…I will never marry.  Sometimes I agree and think God has told me to remain single…but then I have a dream where a man and I become one as Jesus touches us.  Other times I have so many encouraging me “hold on sister…he’s coming.”  Good things come to those who wait…really?

They say “if you have a desire to get married…then God will definitely bring you a husband!” Which I’m not sure I believe… Where does it say that in the Bible?  Many times God did not give people what they desired.  I had a desire to have more children and it didn’t happen.

So…they tell me things like he’s going to be a really good one.  A warrior/worshiper that doesn’t need armor.  He will be pure like me…others say he will be opposite.   Again…I could go on and on…lol.  I wish these words meant something…but honestly…they are just words at this point…lol.

I hardly ever talk about it publicly…because it is a great source of sadness as well as a huge disappointment in my life. It has also been one of those areas where I’ve been very vulnerable and so I’ve been hurt a lot by deceptive people.

I have seen all my siblings as well as my very own son get married before me.  I have relatives on their 2nd marriages and have seen many of their kids marry.

When I was younger, and a single mom…I used to sing at weddings and then I began to do wedding flowers for extra money.  Recently I photographed a friends wedding as a gift.  While all of these are a joy to witness…at the same time…each one hurt.  Oh how I longed to be chosen to be someone’s wife…and to have a father for my son…and more children…but the years went by…one by one…and he still has not come.

But on the other hand, there is a good side…because of my lack of companionship…
the Lord has truly become my Husband.  I am intimate with Him in ways that other women and men who are happily married may not have experienced.  So for that I’m very grateful.

So, I say all this to say…be careful what you say and “prophesy” to single people.  You might think you are helping…but…it is really not helpful if the word you give is NOT from God.  Hope deferred really CAN make the heart sick.

I have had a couple of single friends in my life who were waiting…for a very long time when one day suddenly God gave me a deep intercession for them.  Afterwards, I did tell them… “God just did something amazing for you and I believe you’re getting married.”  I knew it because of my intimacy with God…because I wept so intensely as I felt His heart for them, and their longing for a spouse.  And guess what?  Sure enough…they did…within months they met their mates! 🙂

In the 90’s I also had a singles’ Bible study for Christian women and our main purpose was to pray for our mates to come.  They all got married within a year or two…but not me…

I think possibly because the desire in me is so deep and I have waited so long, that God has given me a special grace to
pray for single Christians???  Honestly I don’t know…I’m not sure why He honors my prayer for singles but He doesn’t answer mine for a mate of my own.

But I do know that I understand how the Lord longs to be with us…because I long to be with my very own husband that way too… ❤