As I Love Myself

 

Recently I have realized, all my life, it seems I have “tried” to make people love me. My family, boyfriends, friends, people at church, employers…etc. It was really bad, and rooted deeply in a fear of rejection and self hatred. A lot of times I would end up in abusive or co-dependent situations. Available for them all the time, even if they were not available for me; forgiving them over and over when they treated me wrong, instead of establishing healthy boundaries to make them stop. I gave and they took.

The desire to be loved was greater than the desire to take care of myself. I would put up with horrible treatment, so much manipulation, for the sake of “loving the other”, just so I would be “loved” by them. The fear of rejection was too much to be able to let them go. Finally, I realized the sad truth is, they never really loved me…if they had, I would not have had to work so hard to earn their “love”.

God has done and is doing a deep work in me! I finally can say I truly love myself, and I know that it is ok if people don’t love me. It is a gift to be rejected. I also am letting go of relationships with people that make me feel bad about myself, threaten me with rejection, or attack my character. I know I am a good person. I am not perfect, but I am certainly not evil. So, I am willing to be rejected by them, to make room for the ones that will TRULY love me as I am.

True believers are people of LOVE.

One time, Jesus’ family had come to “straighten” him out after he had been casting out demons. Others told him his family was outside waiting on him. Jesus said, “Who is my family? It is those that do the will of the Father.” He did not have to answer to them, He was submitted to God.

The bible says, love others, as you love yourself. I finally got it. I deserve to be loved too. Therefore, my heart needs to be guarded, and protected. I am valuable, and I am not to throw my pearls before swine. It doesn’t make me selfish, it makes me wise.

I matter to God too and I am lovable.

Defeating Rejection with Dance!

11/29/2011

 

Over the holidays I had a couple of things happen with family members where I felt rejected, my heart broke and I wept, so I went to be with the Lord to ask Him about it.  I have learned that pain will pile on and hurt us deeper when there are unhealed roots.   He started reminding me of all the people that have rejected me all through my life.  Family, friends, co-workers, boyfriends, employers, teachers, church members…and even myself.  There was so much pain there.

So the Lord had me write a list of all those that had rejected me to go through and forgive each one.  It was intense and hurt to remember them all, but when I was done, there was a huge release.   I also asked for forgiveness for any way I had rejected others.  I learned along the way that rejection has stages, first we are rejected, then we reject others, we also begin to fear rejection, then we reject ourselves, and the final stage is creating rejection around ourselves.  Being a seer, when I get around people, a lot of times I can feel their issues.  I feel rejection as a deep pain in a person’s heart and have seen the Lord remove a huge knife with the word rejection on it, as He set them free.  When the rejection gets to the final stage I can tell, because I will have a strong desire to reject them, push them away, avoid them…and I will have to work hard to love and accept them…that is where the warfare of Love comes in.

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Tonight as I was thinking about it all, I remembered a heavenly experience God had given me.   In the vision, I was young, and out in a field with a group of girls, we were holding hands in a circle and dancing around…freely laughing, playing, and full of joy!   Then, for a moment I “looked” into their eyes to see if they “liked” me, and the young girl that was showing me around saw my heart and said to me, “It is ok, you are alright, there is no REJECTION here.”   This was profound to me.

All my life it seems I have been looking into other’s eyes to “see” if I was ok, but it was never their place to determine that for me.  God was reminding me, I am a citizen of Heaven, and where I come from, there is no rejection.  We are called to be like Him and He accepts us all, so rejecting others is actually a sin.  It is a tool of the enemy to cause us to be wounded, to divide us, to shut us down and shut us up.

When a person begins to reject others, that is when you will see the judging, critical spirit in them…you can almost feel them sizing you up.   They will also be very striving, performing, still trying to earn a position that God created them for. Religious spirits are like this too.  Jealousy and envy are in their hearts.  They will create cliques, factions, and walk as though they are better than others, creating an atmosphere of spiritual elitism and idolatry.   I believe this division is one of the greatest hindrances to the Lord moving and all of it has to die for Love and Acceptance to reign so we can be in unity as His body.

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When I first started going to my home church, I would see people dancing together, loving one another.  I was afraid to step into the river.  I was not used to that type of freedom and acceptance, but now, I do not hesitate.  So, when I go to a different church to paint or minister, during worship, a lot of times I will invite others to dance in a circle with me…as the spirit flows on and through us…just like at my home church and just like I did in Heaven.  It is a time where HIS glory comes and we laugh and giggle just like we did in my heavenly vision.  Anyone can join us, and I constantly invite others to come into the circle.   The Lord comes on us so strongly as I do this, sometimes I will be unable to continue to stand, so I will fall out in the spirit and His GLORY will rest on me heavily as I lay there on the floor, laughing completely drunk in His Love.  A woman that I had danced with in a series of meetings recently came to me the last night I was there and said to me, “you bring so much love when you are here, and you make everyone feel so accepted.”

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YESSSS, thank you Lord for revealing this and allowing this woman to encourage me!!!!  That is my heart for the church, (and even those outside of the church)…that is what I feel called to release…because I know, dancing like a child with others is warfare and an intercession of LOVE created to defeat rejection, to release liberty from the Kingdom of Heaven and bring unity to the body!!!!

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