The “Write” Direction


People are asking about the book I just wrote…so I want to share a little testimony.

Several years ago, the Lord asked me to start writing books. He told me first through many people…prophetic people. People that were my friends, and other people that you would probably know if I said their name. One of them said, “your books will be greater than your paintings.” I kept arguing with God…and fought it…I did not know what I could write that anyone would want to read. A lady actually prophesied to me one day…”God is trying to bless you, stop shrinking back!” Then one of my spiritual dads came to me and told me I am supposed to write my life story. I am still fighting that one…it just seems self centered to me, and I wonder…”WHO would buy it anyways?” …lol.

Since then, a gold angel came to me in a meeting and gave me a spear. I had never seen an angel…and I did not want to tell people when I did see him because I do not want to be a weird Christian that is more focused on their experiences than on God. I also did not want to be deceived…but after the angel came, God told me he was an angel of revelation and he would help me write the books He was giving me. Then He confirmed it…over and over.

One night I went on a date, with someone I should not have been going out with. But, honestly, I was mad. I was mad at God that I have been single all my life, and I have waited for Him to give me a husband…I have been celibate for 20 yrs…and yet, God will not bring me a husband…so sometimes I get frustrated and do stupid things. Not to worry, I was still pure and appropriate with this man, but I just had NO business being with him. It was not God’s will for me to date him, and I knew it. Because he was not my equal in many ways…

So the man asked me to prophesy to him…and hesitantly I agreed because I was not feeling particularly spiritual…but when I did…I heard God clearly, and started prophesying so harshly. NOT like me at all. God was rebuking this man so strongly, saying things like “what are you doing?” I kept apologizing. At the end, I saw a spear hit a bulls-eye and I heard God say, “don’t be afraid YOU WILL HIT the mark.” After I finished prophesying, I fell down…I could not stand the HOLY Spirit was on me so strong. So I knew it was of God.

The next day I went to be with God, because honestly, because of my anger, I had been having a hard time wanting to hear what He had to say, so I had been avoiding Him. So when I did…He started speaking the word back to me. I realized, God was rebuking me for not writing the books and for being out with this man. The spear I saw, was what He was giving me to say through the books. Then, He gave me Isaiah 55:11…”so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”

I wept…and I had to call the man and apologize and tell him that I had given him a word that was for me. I was broken.

Not too long after, I just started this book…it is NOT actually one of THE books I feel I am called to write…but for me, it is a start…and I needed to do something to breakthrough and get myself going in the “write” direction.

I saw a movie by Nicholas Sparks and I went and read his story…I was amazed to hear that he got 1 million for his first book.  That got me excited.  Later I was watching a ministry meeting streaming and they were praying for healing for people, but then this one man got up and said, there is someone you are asking God about money, and He is saying all the money you need is attached to one act of obedience.

Recently I was watching a TV show, and they interviewed a famous Christian author.  They were asking him how he started, etc.  He said a couple of things that really ministered to me.  He said that he realized people would get saved reading his books.  Everywhere he goes, people tell him they god saved from his books.  The books also opened doors for him, doors all over the world, with famous people.  He also said he realized he needed a publisher.  He tried to do it on his own, but learned quickly he needed

It was after that, I felt an unction to get the first book done 🙂

We All Have a Story to Tell, and We All Want to be Heard

Image(spoiler alert for the movie)

Last night I saw the BEST MOVIE, I honestly think it may be one of my very favorite movies of all time! Sometimes God will really speak to me through a movie or I will feel led to a certain one. I was looking for one to watch, and I saw Netflix had this rated this one with 5 stars as a suggestion for me. I remember when my son was young, he would suggest a movie, and I would sometimes fight it, but when I finally did watch it, God would usually speak to me through it so much. I used to tell him he had a gift for picking out movies. He really believe he did.

The movie I saw last night was called Freedom Writers. It was about a school teacher that did things differently to reach a group of hopeless kids in the inner city. The kids were from all races, they were in gangs, doing drugs, being violent, having sex…etc.  AND they were at war with one another, caught up in hate. Their lives were battle zones.

It was interesting, especially after the verdict of the Treyvon case coming out last night, how much it really spoke to me, and helped me see things from another person’s perspective.

This teacher used the Diary of Anne Frank to show them how bad hate could get; it worked, they all connected and related to her story. She then challenged them to write their own story, to keep a journal. She told them it could be private, but if they wanted her to read it she would, they could just put the journals in a cabinet in the classroom. Turned out, they all wanted her to read it…see, we all want to be heard, and we all have a story to tell. She treated them with honor and respect, she gave them a voice.

She loved those kids, and her love looked like something. She worked 3 extra jobs to be able to provide what she knew they needed, supplies the school would not allow for these “unruly” hopeless ones. She opened their eyes to a world beyond all they had ever known. She got them books at a discount, because she worked at a bookstore part time. She took them on a field trip where they got to have dinner with survivors from the Holocaust at a nice restaurant where she worked part time, and she took them to the Holocaust museum, let them stay overnight at a hotel chain where she worked and got free rooms. She truly laid down her life for them. She taught them how to be relational, and honor one another, by being that way with them. She showed them how to stop being at war with each other and how to truly KNOW the other. Turned out, they were more like each other than they thought.  For many of them, that classroom became the first “home” they had ever known.

The whole time, of course, the “establishment” that was NOT working, fought her. They mocked her and ostracized her. She stood her ground though, and in the end, she…AND the kids won. They did things unheard of in that school, like raising money to invite the woman that had hid Anne Frank to come all the way from Austria, so they could meet her, and here her story. Together, they accomplished so much. Their grades went up, and they began to have hope. See, the establishment had given up on these kids, but this teacher believed in them. And then they began to believe in themselves too.

In the end, they put their diaries in a book, something that would last and say, “we were here!”

I thought, wow, what a picture of the church. I have been in Baptist churches where they made fun of Pentecostals, or known of Methodist Churches that fired a pastor after he got the gift of tongues. I was invited to minister at one type of church and was “kindly” uninvited when they found out I believed in the supernatural gifts of the spirit. Sadly, I have been in many different type of church meetings where they bad-mouthed other denominations, ministries, even calling other ministers of God out by name.

Sure I believe in the truth and defending it, Jesus did too, but there is a WAY to do it, and I think this woman had it right. She fought with LOVE, not judgment. She was a woman of honor and treated those she wanted to change with honor. When will we as the BODY of Christ learn to do that to one another? When will we realize that a house divided will fall? I have friends that are of all denominations, Catholics and Protestants, and I love them all. I might not agree with every doctrine they believe, and I might even tell them so…but one thing I pray is at the end of the day, that they KNOW that I love them.

Like the woman caught in adultery.  Was she wrong?  Yes, did they have a right to stone her?  Legally, yes!  But Jesus said, the one without sin can throw the first stone.  It is time for us to drop the stones, and love each other.

When the verdict for Treyvon came back, I watched the media, and the Facebook newsfeed….and I was so sad. I felt like we had stepped back in time, a time when we were divided by hate. I felt sorry for those that believed it was unjust, and for those that had the need to be argumentative.   It was a time for love, a time to honor one another, to listen to the other, to unite, and not divide. America has made amazing strides, and why would we let something like this, or something like what poor Paula Dean said about someone so very many years ago, take us back to THAT place of hate?  Aren’t we still called the UNITED States of America?

I heard this song in my heart last night, before God led me to watch the movie, and I just pray it will be our anthem in this season. I pray that we will remember how precious each and every one of us is to God.  Everyone has a story to tell, and everyone wants to be heard!

Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world. Red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight, Jesus loves the little children of the world.

Happy Mother’s Day

When I got pregnant with my son, I was 25 years old. I looked normal on the outside, but was very sick on the inside. By sick I mean…I had been living with a man for 5 yrs that abused me regularly. Sexual abuse, like rape, emotional abuse, like rage and verbal abuse like cussing me out regularly, and calling me horrible names. He betrayed my trust by cheating on me constantly and lying about it to my face. He raged and broke things or hit me. He smoked pot everyday…and he was a cruel man, but, I still loved him…and I guess that is the sickest part.

I had grown up in a dysfunctional home where I was the scapegoat.  I learned to hate myself at a very early age, to believe the lie that I deserved to be treated that way.  Just like within my family of origin, I loved this man so much, and just wanted him to love me back…more than anything.  Seemed the more I tried, the more I was abused.

I wanted this man to stop doing drugs. I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to change. I wanted it to work. I would cry all the time…and say I was going to leave him…but then he would manipulate me, and somehow we’d make up, starting the cycle all over again.  I was exhausted emotionally by all of this, the chaos and double-mindedness of it all..

One day, I found a roommate, and I finally left him.  It was hard.  I didn’t want to do it…but for my sanity, I knew I had to.  After I left…I was a mess.  I had been so co-dependent, I didn’t know who I was.  I was so full of fear…and confused.  I tried to date…but the years of abuse left me unable to have sexual boundaries with men.  It was too hard to say no.

A man came along and he was really sweet to me. He would listen to me cry over and about this abusive man for hours. And after a while, although I wasn’t even interested in ever having a long term relationship with him, I slept with him. I didn’t want to, but my self esteem was so wounded, I felt like it was all I had to offer…to thank this man for listening to me. I was sick.

I was in college, and went to the infirmary to get on the pill, because, I thought…I better, because I might have sex with this man again…and they said, let’s do a pregnancy test. I thought, no problem. I had only had sex a couple of times with this man, and was sure I was not pregnant…but, guess what…it was positive.

It was not the first time either, I had gotten pregnant before. The last time was when my abusive ex-boyfriend had raped me…I had warned him not to, that it was a bad time and I might get pregnant…he just said, “suffer b—-h!” and had his way with me.  Sure enough, I got pregnant.   It was the third time.  How did I handle this?  I decided to murder all three of them…out of fear, shame and convenience.  I was so sick.

Well this time, I did not know what I would do.  I was still so confused. I told the father and he wanted to marry me. I hardly knew him, and I was certain 2 mistakes would not make things better. Out of desperation, I called my older brother in TX and asked him if I could have some $ for an abortion. He said, let me think about it…and call you back. When he did, he  offered for me to come and live there while I was pregnant…and then give the baby up for adoption. He said, “You don’t have to have an abortion.” When he said that, something happened to me on the inside, “I don’t?”

I had heard the saying that “children are a gift from God.” I didn’t know where it came from, but I kept thinking about it. A gift? from God? Then it had to be good…why would I give this gift away?

So something inside of me decided…that was it. I wasn’t going to do this anymore. This running from responsibility, this letting people abuse me. So, I decided that I would stop living selfishly…and give up…I would surrender my will to God’s. I asked Him to save me.  I did not even know what that meant, but I said to God, since you are God, I am sure you can show me.

Let me tell you, I was scared!  I was not sure I could do it…but I decided I would try. I decided I would be a mom…a single mom. I would do everything I could to live my life for God and for this precious child inside of me.

I told my roommate about my decision, and not long after, I came home from classes, and she had moved out…and left me homeless. I was pregnant, with no place to live. At the mercy of my sister, she let me sleep on her couch for several months, until I could find a place I could afford alone. I was overwhelmed, and even though I had a 3.8 average in college, I quit going, I got on Medicaid and went to the social services clinic. I also got a library card and started read parenting books. I did not want my son to grow up hating himself like I had.  It was a hard road…but I knew I was doing the right thing.

I had always been one to write in my diary, so I started writing to the Lord …”Dear God,” and He started showing Himself to me.  I could not believe that He loved me, I cried for the first 4 yrs I was saved every time I went into church.   I stopped drinking, doing drugs, running from responsibility and made a home for my son and me.  I called myself a born again virgin…and became abstinent.

I grew spiritually as my son grew too.  God healed me of so much and our home was full of peace and encouragement.  I fell deeply in love with Jesus.   He was my Husband, my Lover, a Father to my son (and me), my Counselor, my Best Friend, the Lover of my soul, my Healer, and my Savior. He was my EVERYTHING!  And I loved him with all my heart, (still do).

I had never had a man love me unconditionally, or experienced the presence, peace or joy of the Lord.  I had never had a life without strife or had a man speak so tenderly and with so much encouragement.  But…He gave me all of that…and this beautiful son to love all the time.

So, you see…Mother’s day is very very special to me.

Because, I know that children are a gift from God…and He gave me my son, so I was able to find Him. And for that I am eternally grateful!

My son is grown now, and lives on his own in another state.  He is very healthy and responsible…and for that I am grateful to God.  I loved him with all my heart, prayed for him all the time and parented him the best I knew how to, but that season is over now, and I look forward to what God has in the future for me.

I never got to have more children, something I dreamed of for many years.  But God is such a redeemer,  many times, when people pray for me, they call me a “mother” in the spirit…and say I will be a Momma to many orphans.  I sure hope so.

Happy Mother’s Day!