When I got pregnant with my son, I was 25 years old. I looked normal on the outside, but was very sick on the inside. By sick I mean…I had been living with a man for 5 yrs that abused me regularly. Sexual abuse, like rape, emotional abuse, like rage and verbal abuse like cussing me out regularly, and calling me horrible names. He betrayed my trust by cheating on me constantly and lying about it to my face. He raged and broke things or hit me. He smoked pot everyday…and he was a cruel man, but, I still loved him…and I guess that is the sickest part.
I had grown up in a dysfunctional home where I was the scapegoat. I learned to hate myself at a very early age, to believe the lie that I deserved to be treated that way. Just like within my family of origin, I loved this man so much, and just wanted him to love me back…more than anything. Seemed the more I tried, the more I was abused.
I wanted this man to stop doing drugs. I wanted him to stop hurting me. I wanted him to change. I wanted it to work. I would cry all the time…and say I was going to leave him…but then he would manipulate me, and somehow we’d make up, starting the cycle all over again. I was exhausted emotionally by all of this, the chaos and double-mindedness of it all..
One day, I found a roommate, and I finally left him. It was hard. I didn’t want to do it…but for my sanity, I knew I had to. After I left…I was a mess. I had been so co-dependent, I didn’t know who I was. I was so full of fear…and confused. I tried to date…but the years of abuse left me unable to have sexual boundaries with men. It was too hard to say no.
A man came along and he was really sweet to me. He would listen to me cry over and about this abusive man for hours. And after a while, although I wasn’t even interested in ever having a long term relationship with him, I slept with him. I didn’t want to, but my self esteem was so wounded, I felt like it was all I had to offer…to thank this man for listening to me. I was sick.
I was in college, and went to the infirmary to get on the pill, because, I thought…I better, because I might have sex with this man again…and they said, let’s do a pregnancy test. I thought, no problem. I had only had sex a couple of times with this man, and was sure I was not pregnant…but, guess what…it was positive.
It was not the first time either, I had gotten pregnant before. The last time was when my abusive ex-boyfriend had raped me…I had warned him not to, that it was a bad time and I might get pregnant…he just said, “suffer b—-h!” and had his way with me. Sure enough, I got pregnant. It was the third time. How did I handle this? I decided to murder all three of them…out of fear, shame and convenience. I was so sick.
Well this time, I did not know what I would do. I was still so confused. I told the father and he wanted to marry me. I hardly knew him, and I was certain 2 mistakes would not make things better. Out of desperation, I called my older brother in TX and asked him if I could have some $ for an abortion. He said, let me think about it…and call you back. When he did, he offered for me to come and live there while I was pregnant…and then give the baby up for adoption. He said, “You don’t have to have an abortion.” When he said that, something happened to me on the inside, “I don’t?”
I had heard the saying that “children are a gift from God.” I didn’t know where it came from, but I kept thinking about it. A gift? from God? Then it had to be good…why would I give this gift away?
So something inside of me decided…that was it. I wasn’t going to do this anymore. This running from responsibility, this letting people abuse me. So, I decided that I would stop living selfishly…and give up…I would surrender my will to God’s. I asked Him to save me. I did not even know what that meant, but I said to God, since you are God, I am sure you can show me.
Let me tell you, I was scared! I was not sure I could do it…but I decided I would try. I decided I would be a mom…a single mom. I would do everything I could to live my life for God and for this precious child inside of me.
I told my roommate about my decision, and not long after, I came home from classes, and she had moved out…and left me homeless. I was pregnant, with no place to live. At the mercy of my sister, she let me sleep on her couch for several months, until I could find a place I could afford alone. I was overwhelmed, and even though I had a 3.8 average in college, I quit going, I got on Medicaid and went to the social services clinic. I also got a library card and started read parenting books. I did not want my son to grow up hating himself like I had. It was a hard road…but I knew I was doing the right thing.
I had always been one to write in my diary, so I started writing to the Lord …”Dear God,” and He started showing Himself to me. I could not believe that He loved me, I cried for the first 4 yrs I was saved every time I went into church. I stopped drinking, doing drugs, running from responsibility and made a home for my son and me. I called myself a born again virgin…and became abstinent.
I grew spiritually as my son grew too. God healed me of so much and our home was full of peace and encouragement. I fell deeply in love with Jesus. He was my Husband, my Lover, a Father to my son (and me), my Counselor, my Best Friend, the Lover of my soul, my Healer, and my Savior. He was my EVERYTHING! And I loved him with all my heart, (still do).
I had never had a man love me unconditionally, or experienced the presence, peace or joy of the Lord. I had never had a life without strife or had a man speak so tenderly and with so much encouragement. But…He gave me all of that…and this beautiful son to love all the time.
So, you see…Mother’s day is very very special to me.
Because, I know that children are a gift from God…and He gave me my son, so I was able to find Him. And for that I am eternally grateful!
My son is grown now, and lives on his own in another state. He is very healthy and responsible…and for that I am grateful to God. I loved him with all my heart, prayed for him all the time and parented him the best I knew how to, but that season is over now, and I look forward to what God has in the future for me.
I never got to have more children, something I dreamed of for many years. But God is such a redeemer, many times, when people pray for me, they call me a “mother” in the spirit…and say I will be a Momma to many orphans. I sure hope so.
Happy Mother’s Day!